motivation

it's nearly 2:30 am.... i should sleep.  but here i am, sitting at my computer wide awake and in another one of my pensive moods.  as the year draws toward an end, i look back at easily the worst year of my young life, and am glad that it is coming to a close.  i predict a more dynamic 2009, with many changes both good and bad.  i think i will be challenged.

i have decided that by the end of 2010, i will be living in hong kong, shanghai, or beijing.  as one who has always embraced the american way of life - and in fact rejected the idea of moving overseas - this may seem to be a startling development.  is it, though, considering the complacency in which i have wallowed this past year?  i knew that by staying in dallas, the fight to stay motivated would be an uphill battle.  i believe i have finally lost.  

one of the greatest triggers for change is being told i am not good enough.  i cannot stand to know that there is someone else who meets a standard set of criteria better than me.  i used to handle rejection passively, shrugging it off as an inconsequential difference of opinion, but not so much these days.  it shakes me to the core, leaving me frantically looking for ways to improve.  if being denied motivates me to live up to my potential, perhaps it is not all bad.  maybe it will help me to believe that the pain and sacrifice necessary to succeed are worth it.

this year, i will be making ambitious new year's resolutions.  i need to restructure my life in a way that will be more conducive to meeting my long-term goals.  latent ability exists; i just need to get the ball rolling.