life is like a box of chocolates

... that you open and find is infested with worms.

i wonder when this continuous series of disappointments will end. i do not feel like i take many things in life for granted; shouldn't that count for something? perhaps it is because i am aware of what i have that makes me less willing to fight, and persevere - to settle for the hand dealt to me, because i know things could be far worse? i lack the brazen sense of entitlement that gives many others the audacity to take what they think is their right. i know this is jacked up logic - not an excuse or even a call for sympathy, but an analysis. i do not know how i lost my ambition or my drive, or when they were replaced by timidity and a resigned complacency.

something in my life is shifting - i can feel it. i feel hardened, numb. i expect to be disappointed more often than not; i trust less and judge more. i feel disconnected from what used to hold precedence in my life. while i think this is how most people become jaded, i have decided to take advantage of this disengagement and improve myself. no more playing around. i need to accomplish what i know i am capable of, free of distractions. strength of mind over desires of the heart.... i am putting myself in emotional isolation.